For those of you who have just discovered my blog, I will sum up my purpose in writing it, who I am, and where I've come from, just so you are not confused!
Main Facts About The Anonymous Titan:
1. I am an anonymous Student at CSUF. I'm sure you can figure out why I am called the Anonymous Titan.
2. I am writing this blog for several reasons:
a. Personal happiness.
b. To allow my readers a glimpse of College life.
c. To give my readers helpful Tips (about College and other Important things too!).
d. To receive large quantities of Fried Zucchini and Purple-Striped Socks from adoring readers.
e. For your happiness also, dear reader, but really, mostly for mine.
3. I am currently living in ___________, CA. Ha ha ha ha you will never ever everrrrrr know!
4. I move locations at least once a month. See?
5. But if you have Fried Zucchini or Purple-striped objects, leave them on the sundial at CSUF. Refer to "The Thorough Titan" post if you don't know where the sundial is.
6. I am an English major. This is precisely what I mean to say. I will use Big words in this blog, so keep your brains working.
And that is all you newcomers need to know.
Last night I was lying in bed, thinking about Ice Cream and wondering what time it was (my clock is all the way across the room, and it doesn't glow in the dark) when Hypnos rolled over on the bottom of my bed and sat up.
I stared at him. "What are you doing? It's nighttime! You should be asleep!"
Of course, I knew that cats are nocturnal animals, but I was so used to seeing Hypnos asleep that seeing him awake was an anomaly.
Hypnos yawned descriptively and sauntered across the bed to the windowsill. He pawed at the glass and turned his head to stare sternly at me.
"You can't go outside," I told him. "It's dark, lonesome, and windy out there."
Hypnos gazed at me, his green eyes penetrating. "Miaow," he said commandingly.
"Go back to sleep," I said. "You've been asleep all week; you can sleep some more."
My logic was rather backwards at this point, but it wasn't my fault. I had been working all day at my new job.
Yes, dear reader, I have a new job. This is because I have moved too far away to keep my old job. But don't worry, I managed to eat some Ice Cream before I left.
I am now working at my apartment.
I am working on cleaning.
I am cleaning the bathroom, the floor, the mattress, the few bits of furniture, and the windows. I have three large windows stretching across the left wall of my room, which is nice, except that they constantly gather spiderwebs.
So yesterday morning I got up and found an old vacuum cleaner and proceeded to suck each and every last spider and its subsequent web into the vacuum.
Then I went off to buy necessities.
Did you know that purple-striped couches are not really the craze right now?
So I bought a black one instead. I know that I'll have to leave it here when I move again, unless I hire one of those giant white truck things, but since I'd rather be inconspicuous, I don't really feel inclined to do so.
Besides, they look scary. And they probably smell bad.
Have you noticed that most trucks smell bad? It is strange.
I also bought:
1. 1 crate of frozen fried zucchini
2. 1 toothbrush (Don't worry, I already have one, but I thought having an extra would be smart!)
3. 6 new T-shirts, in various colors and shades (No purple stripes - they make you more noticeable in crowds. Only wear purple stripes where no one can see them.)
4. 7 cans of cat food
5. 1 massive bag of dry cat food
6. 1 pathetic-looking stuffed mouse, which Hypno disdainfully ignored
7. 2 cans of "Spider-Get-Away"
8. 1 bottle of Windex
9. 4 pairs of jeans
10. 1 new suitcase (black)
I also bought some other stuff, but since it was underwear and other unmentionable items, I won't mention them.
So how was your day yesterday?
I guess you don't want to tell me.
No matter. I bet your day was boring, just like mine was.
Anyways, I got back from my necessities shopping trip and lugged all my packages and bags up the stairs (I live on the seventeenth floor, and the one elevator here tends to stop halfway up the shaft), and finally made it into my apartment, but only after dropping a few fried zucchini strips down the last flight of stairs.
After rescuing them (and eating them), I unlocked my door and went inside.
Hypnos was asleep on the windowsill in a patch of sunlight, the windows were glistening with sparkly strands of spiderweb, the bed was made neatly, my fridge doors were shut, and the washer was humming merrily...
Wait!
Did I say - did I say - DID I SAY -
That there were spiderwebs on my windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????
Dear reader, did I? Did you notice? Are you really reading or just skimming? Hmm? 'Cause if you are, go away. There are no skimmers allowed on my blog!!!
Anyways, I suppose I did say that there were spiderwebs on my windows.
And after I had just cleaned them!
So I went and got the vacuum, and vacuumed them - and their Spiders - all up again. I hope none of them crawl out of my vacuum bag and onto my windows again. Perhaps I should burn it in a magnificent Spider Bonfire Ceremony. But then I would have to buy a new vacuum bag.
Anyways, I vacuumed up the Spiders once more.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post:
Hypnos yawned and pawed at the window again. Then he froze.
I sat up and frowned at him, feeling nervous, even though there was probably nothing out there. "What are you doing, Hypnos? C'mon, I'm tired. Let's go to bed."
Hypnos ignored me. He was staring out the window, his tail erect, his hair rippling menacingly up his back.
I got out of bed. If something was outside, I had to find something other than a pillow to fend it off with.
As I searched around the room for something blunt, wearing pajamas and sneaking glances at the windows every half a second, I finally realized that Hypnos was not staring through the window. He was staring at it.
I had a moment of pure terror as my eyes adjusted to this new perspective, and as something truly horrible came into view.
It was black and huge, with gleaming dark eyes and massive, hairy legs. Twin fangs hung down from its chin, and thick grey-black hair covered every inch of its seven-inch long body.
I think I might have let out a tiny scream.
The Spider had also frozen, as Hypnos was staring directly into its beady eyes with his own mesmerizing emerald ones.
At that moment, I wished that I hadn't used up my two cans of "Spider-Get-Away".
Now that I think about it, however, I doubt such measly liquid would have vanquished the Spider of Death.
So I ran for the door.
Dear reader, if you think this is a laughing matter, please stop doing so. And focus your attention on the computer screen. Focus on those little black words on that nice beige-colored background.
Think about it.
What if...
A. There was a horrible Spider on your window, right next to your bed.
B. It was nighttime.
C. The Spider was at least half a foot long.
D. You were alone, except for your cat, who was no help.
E. There were no weapons handy with which to bludgeon the Spider of Death to death.
F. It was dark and scary. Have I mentioned that yet? Dark and scary. Very.
Now fix your face into an expression of seriousness as you read this next sentence.
As I ran for the door, I shot a look over my shoulder, just in case the Spider of Death had leapt off the window past Hypnos and was pursuing me.
It was not, and Hypnos was still hypnotizing it with his hypnotically hypnotic gaze, but this did not matter, because I remained terrified.
As I flew down the apartment stairs and out into the night, I wondered vaguely if anyone would call the police if they saw me dashing down the center of the street in my purple-striped pajamas.
Later that night, I returned, armed with two heavy tree branches and a container of Super Glue, which I had bought from a 7-11.
The cashier there had given me an odd stare, but he still sold the Glue to me.
I crept up the stairs, lugging my branches and clutching my Glue to my chest, and hoping that the Spider of Death had not crawled closer so that he could murder me when I opened the door.
When I got to my floor, I snuck down the hall and stopped silently in front of my room.
I produced my key, slid it into the slot, and warily twisted the doorknob.
The windows were casting long rectangles of moonlight over the floor, illuminating two motionless figures.
One of the figures was Hypnos, and the other was my crate of fried zucchini, lying on its side.
Hypnos looked up as I rushed inside. I was too worried about my fried zucchini to even register that the Spider was nowhere to be seen.
After carefully picking up each and every piece, dusting them off, and packing them gently into the crate, I opened the fridge and slid it inside.
Then I turned to Hypnos.
"What were you do-"
I stopped.
There was something odd hanging out of Hypnos's mouth.
I drew closer, horribly fascinated, unable to stop myself.
The something came slowly into focus.
It was a great hairy black leg.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I cried, and leapt backwards, colliding with the open fridge door and dropping my can of Super Glue on my left pinky toe.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH my TOEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
My two branches rolled away into various corners of the room.
By the time I had collected myself, Hypnos was curled up on my pillow, sound asleep.
I spent the rest of the night in the hallway.
I guess today I'm not going to write about College, because I have already written enough.
What's that you say? You mean, you want me to write about College?
Why are you reading this blog again?
College Topic of the Day:
Boredom.
How to Stave Off Boredom in Class:
1. Listen to the Professor.
2. Take a nap.
3. Pass notes to your neighbors.
4. Study notes from another class.
5. Text someone.
6. Draw on your paper.
7. Write excerpts from your upcoming novel.
8. Imagine that you have to give a speech. That will wake you up.
9. Get up and leave.
10. Go to the restroom.
11. Eat some food.
12. Take out your laptop and watch Youtube videos.
13. Take out your laptop and take notes.
14. Take out your laptop and go on Facebook.
15. Take out your laptop and Skype.
16. Take out your laptop and ________.
17. Read a book.
18. Use different kinds of handwriting to write your notes in.
19. Make up a code using letters of the alphabet. Or draw new symbols for each letter.
20. Raise your hand and announce that you have just won the lottery.
Dear reader, that was a Quiz.
If you think 1, 13, and 18 are the best ways to learn in class...
You have Failed. And horribly, at that.
The Topic of the Day was Boredom, not How to Learn.
If you follow every tip except for 1 and 13, then you are an elite Crusher of Boredom.
Unless, of course, you find notes interesting.
Tips of the Day:
Tip #48: If you manage to make it through the night, everything seems a lot better in the morning. This is so true. This morning, after I woke up in the hallway with people stepping over me to go down the stairs, I yawned and stretched happily. Then I made my way back into my room, removed Hypnos from the top of the fridge, and proceeded to give him a bath. After that, I vacuumed the floor. There are no Spiders on my windows. Yet.
Tip #49: Summer is the best. Summer is the best because you are not in school, you can go to the beach and not freeze (unless you live in Alaska), you can buy Ice Cream and not freeze, you can swim in pools and not freeze, you can turn on your air conditioning and not freeze... On that note, my air conditioning is quite lovely.
Tip #50: Spiders are the worst. I thought about putting Super Glue all over my windows, so the Spiders would stick to it and die gruesomely, but then I remembered that they would stay there forever if I did that. There would be little Spider bodies pasted all over my nice clean windows, and it would look like I had Halloween decorations up early. So I didn't. But I still have my bottle of Glue. Maybe I will make something amazing with my two branches and my Super Glue.
I hope you are having a delightful evening.
Goodbye, dear reader.
I will see you, hopefully, tomorrow.
