Barf, I say.
Barf barf barf barf barf barf barf!
Hmm... It almost sounds like I am barking at you.
But I am not.
Why are you saying Barf, then? you may ask.
Because, dear reader, of this:
Today I got up and did the usual things to get ready for the day, like put on my clothes (including my purple-striped socks) and eat breakfast.
Well, I tried to eat breakfast.
There was nothing in my pantry, on my counter, or in my refrigerator, because I had eaten all my fried zucchini yesterday. (Hint...hint...) So I went out of my dark and secret room to the Great Outdoors.
I looked around for a coffee shop, but I only saw a Donut place.
So I went there!
I had ordered my two Boston Cream Donuts and sat down to begin eating them when an altercation broke out at the counter. (By the way, a Boston Cream Donut is a donut with chocolate frosting on top and custard inside. They are very extremely delicious.)
"What do you mean," the angry customer demanded of the lone cashier, "you don't have Bear Claws?!"
The cashier looked startled. "What do you mean, sir?"
"Bear Claws!" the man said. "You know, those donuts with sugar and batter and stuff. You know." He waved his hands around in the air, as if they could talk or something.
The cashier smiled a tight, bemused smile, and looked behind her to check the menu. She glanced back at him. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't sell those. They're considered pastries, not true donuts."
I wondered what the difference was. I had ordered Bear Claws at donut shops before. They were very yummy, but not as good as Boston Cream Donuts.
"But I need them!" His irritable tone was edging into one of desperation.
I swallowed my bite of delicious donut and got up. "Why don't you go to the pastry shop down the street? It might have Bear Claws."
The cashier looked thankfully at me. She was clearly out of her depth. Perhaps she was new. Or maybe no one had yelled at her over donuts (which are not really a matter of life or death, but some food experts seem to think so) before.
The angry man scowled at me and waved his hands around again. "No, I want to buy them here. Can't you make them specially for me?" He had turned back to the cashier.
"I'm sorry, sir," she said again, "but we don't sell them here."
"But really!" he said, his face getting redder. "They're just like regular donuts, except, except - except different! They're not that hard! You run a donut shop! You can make them!"
"But we don't," she said, getting more agitated. "We don't, sir, I'm sorry. I think you should try somewhere else."
The angry man glared at her. "I came here for a reason, young lady. Don't tell me to go somewhere else."
"Sir," I said, beginning to lose my temper, "I think you should leave."
He turned his blazing, red-rimmed eyes on me. I tried not to take a step back, as he was a foot or more taller than I was, but this was harder than it seemed. So I took a deep breath and counted to ten.
"Excuse me?" the man demanded, his eyes now popping luridly. Ew.
"I think you should leave," I said, trying to sound confident, as if I did this sort of thing every day. "You can't stay here and harass the staff. Either order something else or go away."
He shifted his weight from foot to foot, still scowling, but now he seemed unsure. Maybe no one had ever stood up to him before. Maybe he was a coward.
I took my chance, since he wasn't protesting, and said, "Go try the other pastry shop. I'm sure they have something you'll like."
He swung around on his heel, hesitated, and then stumped towards the door, muttering to himself. Whatever he was saying did not sound pleasant. The door swung open, hovered for a moment, and slammed.
The cashier breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you," she said, breathlessly. "Do you want anything else? It's on the house."
I smiled at her. "No, but I think you should tell your boss about that guy. He might come back."
"I will." She nodded at me, smiled again, and slipped through the door behind the counter, disappearing into the back.
I wrapped up the rest of my donuts and went out, but first I checked to see if the angry man was nearby. He wasn't. I thought I saw him further up the street, heading towards the pastry shop, but I wasn't sure. I hoped that he wasn't going to go bother someone else.
Since this scene turned out well, I was not at all unhappy at this point.
But when I got home, I found out that not all was well.
The crow looked down at me from his vantage point on my fridge.
"CAW."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
So you can understand, dear reader, why I wrote this post so late tonight.
I am sooooo tired.
The Topic of Today is:
Nothing.
Really. I can't think of anything. My brain is shot, like a lightbulb that's gone dead. Or a broken clock, with its hands spinning really fast but going nowhere. Or like a computer, but without any wires or electricity or keyboard or mouse or hard-drive.
I am sooooo dead.
Reasons why I am Dead:
1. Bird Poop
2. Bird Poop
3. Bird Poop...
4. BIRD POOP......
5. BIRD POOP!!!!!!
6. THE EVIL STINKING BIRD POOP
Argh.....
Topics That I Can Think Of:
1. Bird Poop
2. Fried Zucchini
That reminds me. I am sorry to say that I am still lacking in fried zucchini shipments, but the mail service has promised me that it will arrive soon.
To that, I say, Yeah, right.
Can you tell that I am grumpy? And peeved? And clearly not being chipper?
I will try, dear reader, to be chipper. Just for you.
It is best to talk about happy things if one wants to feel chipper, so I will list a few happy things.
1. Sunshine. (This is obvious. I mean, who likes darkness?)
2. Fried Zucchini. (No explanation needed)
3. Purple-Striped Socks (Ahhh... I LOVE THEM...)
4. Purple-Striped Bikes. (I actually made one by myself!!!! - I said this in my last post, but I'd like to say it again. - It is beautiful...)
5. Purple-Striped Other Things
6. Giant Stuffed Elephants. Never mind, that is sad. I am still in mourning. Don't talk about it. Just - don't.
7. Happy Old People that Are In Love, and that Hold Hands While Walking Down the Street While Wearing Matching Clothes
8. My Laptop
9. My Keyboard With Its Clicky and Tappy Keys
10. My Laptop Bag (It has purple stripes inside!)
I have now listed ten (oops, nine! Sob.) things that make me happy.
I feel happy again!
I wonder what makes you happy, dear reader. Blue skies? Fluffy kitties? Nightlights? Scarecrows? Red tulips? Oranges?
It is always best to write down happy things and then reread them. I promise you that when you finally finish writing all of them down, you will feel so much better then you did when you started!
I call this process Making My Happy List.
And you can Make Your Happy Lists too!
Here are the tips for today:
Tip #33. If a crow flies in through your open window and poops everywhere, don't forget about your other open window. Close that one too. Then the crow will not return and poop everywhere again. I have now closed all my windows.
Tip #34: Go outside and watch the sunset.
Tip #35: Or go outside and watch the sunrise, if Tip #34 is not possible.
Tip #36: If neither Tip #34 or Tip #35 is possible, go inside and make a sunset/sunrise cake! You can do this by baking a cake (any kind) and then putting red, orange, yellow, pink, and lavender frosting all over it. Then you can eat it. I generally call this sort of cake Sunset Cake, because I use darker colors and add some dark blue frosting at the base.
English Majors are very creative.
Goodnight, dear reader.
See you tomorrow.
