The Second Tallish Titan Post

I told Toby that instead of referring to the Huge Rat as the Library Rat, he should call it the Liberty Rat.

Liberty... as in free!

Toby did not appreciate my idea.


A few days ago, I was leaving the Pollak Libary when I happened to pass a large row of paintings (I think, or maybe they were giant weirdly colored photographs) on the wall in the North Side.

Underneath the paintings/photographs were little plaques.

I read some of them. Well, all of them. (Have pity on me; I was bored.)

William B. Langsdorf.

L. Donald Shields.

Miles D. McCarthy.

Jewel Plummer Cobbs.

Milton Andrew Gordon.

Wait....

Aren't those names of buildings on campus?????

Then I freaked out for a little while.

I guess only the most important best people get to have their names on buildings. Maybe they were very attractive people. Maybe they had nice hair. Nice hair is always important.

But I digress.

You see, what I wanted to say was that I think I should name the buildings. After all, I am the Anonymous Titan and I am the best person ever and everyone loves me.

Here is my list of proposed names (with explanations!):

1. McCarthy Hall. How uninformative. I mean, McCarthy doesn't even mean anything! And everyone knows that McCarthy is the G.E. and Math building. I propose this new name: MathyGe Hall.

2. Langsdorf Hall. Um.... who named this place? And why? Langsdorf Hall does not look like a Langsdorf. It looks more like a Freddy or a Sebastian. Besides, it houses English students and crazed professors of some College that I can't remember right now. My proposed name: Englishland Hall.

3. Dan Black Hall. Another place named after a person. Why do we have so many of these? Who knows. I have no idea what goes on in this building, because I've never had a class here. So I propose this name: Hall of Mysterious Mysteriously Mysteriousness. I like it.

4. Humanities. I wonder, is this name supposed to refer to the humans that work and study within its walls? I think not. Perhaps it has something to do with the College of Humanities? Maybe. But I don't care. It has a boring, boring name. My proposal: (well, since I can name it whatever I want...) Happy Hall.

5. University Hall. This name has placed first in The Most Boring Most Uninformative Name Ever Category. I really need to rename this place. I propose this name!: Englishland Two Hall!!

6. Ruby Gerontology Center. Why does that sound like it was made for old people? Oh. It was. Well, then. I'll let them keep that name, then. Besides, it's always nice to name buildings after gemstones. My current apartment (room, building, house... You'll never know exactly what it is) is called: The House of Fire Opals. Touching, isn't it?

7. Mihaylo Hall. For some reason, this remains me of hay. And 'lo. (For those of you who are lost right now, 'lo is an abbreviation of Hello. 'Lo, everyone.) So, I consider this people-named hall to be boring. Yes, boring. Very boring. My amazing name for this hall is....

Drumroll, please.

Mikey Hall!!!!!

Yes, I know it is amazing.

 Yes, I know you are AMAZED!!!!

er, cough... excuse me.

 I meant to make that a little smaller. Oops.

Ahem. Back to business.

So, as I was saying...

8. 

Number Eight??

Where are you?

NUUUUMBERRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTT....

No, no, no. Not you. Number Eight. 

Oh, knock it off. You were perfectly happy until I told you I wanted Number Eight. Go home, please.

Thank you.

Pause.

 I guess we're not going to find Number Eight today, folks. Why don't y'all just mosey on down to the town square and find an old storyteller to talk to ya? Yeah, that's it. Bye now.

This is the moment where the Anonymous Titan frantically tries to think of a new interesting subject.

 Because I know how short your attention span is. Pretty short, huh?

Ooh, wait! GREAT IDEA MOMENT!!!!

How about I tell you a Story???

I see from your face that you are thrilled at this idea!!!

Okay, I can't actually see you. Just pretend, all right? I can't do EVERYTHING around here!

So, the other day, I was sitting in my English classroom (because I am an English major, in case you forgot) and I was listening ever so patiently to my brilliant English professor, when I happened to glance over at my neighbor and my brain exploded.

Why do you think my brain exploded, dear reader?

THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YA, BUSTER!!

Anyway, I was sitting at my desk, listening, thinking, musing.... when I glanced at my neighbor and saw that he was DRAWING ON HIS DESK. WITH A PEN. A PEN WITH INK. WITH INK THAT WAS PERMANENT. AND YA KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? THAT MEANS SOMEBODY'S GONNA PAY.

Ahem. Cough. Gasp. Cough. Gag. Choke.

So I leaned over and pulled out my bullhorn and took out my airhorn and felt around for my firecracker and I blew that boy away.

My, did the class scream!

And the professor sent me outside.

I must tell you, dear reader, that firecrackers plus airhorns plus bullhorns EQUALS pandemonium.

And that is the end of my Story.

Tip #101: Do not terrify people while in your English class. Not that I actually did those aforementioned things, of course, but just as a Tip, I think things involving firecrackers, airhorns, and bullhorns, especially in the hands of a Crazed English Major usually end in EXPULSION.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Did I really just use the "E" word?

Er, hmm, yes. 

 So don't do bad things, readers. Let that be a lesson to YOU. 

Tip #102: Go to bed now. Because I am tired. Go away. Goodnight.

 

Don't let the imaginary bedbugs bite!

Hypnos says Yawn. 

Goodnight, dear reader.

The First Tallish Titan Post

I am sitting at my computer, staring at the pretty white color of the blog post box, thinking deep, intricate thoughts...


So tell me, dear readers, how has your year been?

Mine has been just SPIFFY.


Let me list the reasons why my Year has been so SPIFFY:

1. I slaved away on Grammer homework.

2. I slaved away on Research Papers.

3. I slaved away on Studying.

4. I moved twelve times.

5. I found a job That I'm Not Allowed to Discuss.

6. I slaved away on Doing Nothing.

7. I slaved away on Midterm Studying.

8. I slaved away on Finals Studying.

9. I slaved away on Finals.

10. And now I am slaving away on this Wonderful Blog.

Gosh, my year has just been so Fab!

(I apologize to all English majors for abbreviating needlessly.)


Let me tell you a teeny tiny story about something that happened to me a little while ago:


It was Freshman year, and I was walking past the TSU towards the bookstore, when I saw a glorious, wonderful, amazing, astounding sight.

It was a beautiful thing to behold.

I was unable to look away.

The Tuffy Plant stared back at me with gloriously leafy eyes.

She was perfect.

Every inch of her was made of lovely green leaves, trimmed with great care. Her head was a crowning glory of green. Her trunk, dear reader, was magnificent.

I collapsed in front of her to pay homage.

And some annoying Flier Person tried to help me up.

Cue scene change:

Imagine my horror, dear reader, my sickening feelings, my misery, when I left the TSU earlier this year and was about to pass the bookstore - and saw something unthinkable.

Tuffy?

Tuffy, is that you?

Leafy Tuffy, is that you??

Leafy Tuffy??!!!
 

Tuffy now resembled a tiny shorn bush. She had been reduced to a pile of leaves on the hard, cold ground.

My beautiful, adored statue was gone.

Why had I neglected her so?!

How could I have forgotten Leafy Tuffy?

I collapsed on the cold cement to weep.


Let us pause for a moment in solemn, sad remembrance...


Yesterday I happened to run into Toby, whereupon he told me a rather sad story. Of course, it cannot rival the story of vanished Leafy Tuffy, but it was sad enough for some sympathy.

But I am terrible at sympathizing with people, so you will have to do that for me.

Toby's Sad Story, dear readers, for your enjoyment (or weepiness, whatever):


Toby sat in front of the library, eating his dinner, which consisted of a taco, a burrito, and chips. He also had salsa, but that is not pertinent to this tale.

It was late at night: ten or so, and the lone janitor sat all alone on his lonely bench of Aloneness.

There was a mysterious rustling noise from behind him.

It came from the direction of the famed Pollak Library.

Toby sat very still, not even chewing on the remainder of his taco shell.

Perhaps, he thought, in a Toby-like manner, whatever it is, it will go away when it sees there is nothing out here.

 The mysterious rustling noise rustled again, mysteriously.

Toby wondered what was making the mysterious rustling noise so mysteriously. It was a complete mystery to him.

(Author's Note: pardon the hyperbolic wording. I am a teeny bit tired right now. I will attempt to tone it down, but sometimes that backfires...)

Suddenly, a Huge Rat scurried out of the Pollak Library,

 Toby screamed in horrified terror.

(Alright, alright, I'm only joking. Toby does not scream. I might, but Toby is very... er.... old-fashioned. He considers screaming a girlish phenomenon. Well... Let me rephrase. He is not a screamer. That is all I am going to say on the matter. Back to the story.) 

The Huge Rat (that had just emerged from the depths of the Pollak Library) scurried down the cement path through the trees, completely visible in the streetlights overhead.

Toby, being the fierce and manly janitor that he is, leaped to his feet (dropping his half-eaten dinner everywhere), snatched up his ever-present rake, and pelted after the Rat.

The Rat, seeing that someone was on his tail (Haha, tail, get it? Not trail, but tail!), ran faster, his tiny wormy feet bearing him away from Toby quickly. He saw the shining TSU up ahead, decided that less light was better, and made an abrupt left.

Toby staggered in order to avoid crashing into a pole as he made an abrupt left, hastily rebalanced, and pulled a flashlight out of his pocket.

The Rat curled up in a mess of dead leaves and tried to blend in.

Toby turned on the flashlight.

This is what the hapless rodent saw.

 

Can anyone blame him for promptly fleeing?

Toby will tell you that Rats are purely evil creatures with a nasty desire to make all Janitors of the World suffer, but I beg to differ.

Rats, like any other creature on this planet, do not deserve death! They deserve a life free from pain and suffering and fear! They are human just like us!

(As I type this completely ludicrous passage, I find it necessary to inform you that I am eating fried chicken.)

 As Toby chased after the Rat, through the trees and the fallen leaves and the wet grass and the near darkness, a horde of starving College Students appeared in the distance, waving signs and shouting hoarsely.

Toby backed slowly into the cover of the trees...

The Starving College Students (I will refer to them as SCS) approached, baring fanglike teeth and breathing moldy air. Toby hid behind a tree and shivered.

The SCS, being starved and dimwitted, did not see him. Their feverish eyes caught sight of the gleaming TSU in the distance - they ran towards it, hope in their faces!

Toby heard, rather than saw, the Rat slink off the grass and head for the Pollak Library.

He threw himself from behind the tree and ran like a person who has just seen their favorite actress/actor walk past and wave at them.

Unfortunately, the Rat disappeared into the Library.

When Toby reached the double doors and flung them open, all he saw were tiny muddy pawprints on the linoleum.

Will it surprise you to learn that he sat down on the floor and cried?

Or that the librarians, upon finding the muddy tracks, pulled their hair out and wept?

Or that Toby told this to me with considerably less appeal and drama?


I doubt it, dear reader.

You are very intelligent.



It is late now, so I will finish this post tomorrow in The Second Tallish Titan Post, and go to bed.

P.S. Hypnos says "Meow."